(WARNING….this is a self-indulgent post and you may not want to read it. It will smack of self-awareness, positivity, and mushiness that some will find repulsive. Read at your own risk…you have been warned.)
I must admit that I have had a little difficulty (ok, a lot of difficulty) with the Shiny & Bright lately….as you can see from my last long-ago post. For a long time, I have been playing cheerleader for myself every morning to try to get myself up and going. I try to fix a smile on my face and act half-way decent. I hate to be the “Sad Girl”. However…I had one of those “light-bulb” moments yesterday that made me open my eyes to some basic facts that I have been ignoring lately.
This is how it happened:
I went to visit Dr. Walter Yury, http://ocpreventativemedicine.com/ in Anaheim, California seeking help in treating my wacky hormonal imbalance. (A large part of my problem.) Yes, I know…but I truly am a hormonal mess, just ask Randy. Years ago I was treated quite successfully by Dr. Yury and he maneuvered me into a hormonal balance that was blissful… but then I moved to Ventura…far, far away. I have tried other doctors, without much success. After years of ignoring my symptoms, out of desperation, I have returned to what I know works. Why not before now? Because I am a dummy. Lifelong self sabotage. Anyway, that is a whole other blog for another day.
What happened to make my brain light up was a comment made by his assistant … she said: “You are always so happy.” What? Who? Me?
Unbeknownst to me, I have been successful at creating a facade. Playing a role and projecting a persona of someone who has it together and is “HAPPY.” Not to everyone, but people who do not know me well have fallen for this. I have a friend who gets angry when I say this…but I have become the Great Pretender. So what is the light bulb realization? This:
Yesterday, I forgot my gloom and doom and the happiness shined through and it was not fake. It was not a facade. I felt it. I am happy. I am a happy person. I have multitudes of reasons to be happy and I am. It is all attitude. It is all focus. It is where and what you shine the light on in your life. We all have reasons to be sad, depressed, anxiety-ridden and full of grief…and I have more than my share of those things in my life. HOWEVER…and it is a BIG however; I have so many more reasons to be happy. It is a choice. It is up to ME what emotion I will choose to let up front and center in my life.
I am not saying that we should stick our heads in the sand and not acknowledge the woes in our life. That is impossible to do. We are living in critical times hard to deal with, as Guillermo Gonzales quotes from the Bible constantly:
(2 Timothy 3:1-7) But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, 3 having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, 4 betrayers, headstrong, puffed up [with pride], lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godly devotion but proving false to its power; and from these turn away. 6 For from these arise those men who slyly work their way into households and lead as their captives weak women loaded down with sins, led by various desires, 7 always learning and yet never able to come to an accurate knowledge of truth.
So yes, life is hard. Face it…sometimes life sucks. It really, really does. Yet, a whole lot of the time it is really, really good. Daily in fact.
See, I have a great gift, something that is the very core of my life, and something that I have not given due attention to…and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Yes….I go through the motions and I worship as has been ingrained in me to do so for many, many years. I know that I worship in truth…but the truth is that I have not been worshipping in spirit. Especially not with a rejoicing spirit. And…that is what my God wants from me… to worship in spirit and truth.
(John 4:23-24) Nevertheless, the hour is coming, and it is now, when the true worshipers will worship the Father with spirit and truth, for, indeed, the Father is looking for suchlike ones to worship him. 24 God is a Spirit, and those worshiping him must worship with spirit and truth.
Yet, my light bulb moment, and a great conversation with my true blue advisor, Tammy Miller, made me contemplate just what that relationship has entailed over the years…all the prayers that have been uttered, all the questions that have been answered, all the support and the countless blessing from having a personal relationship with Jehovah….and all the HAPPINESS that comes with that. So while I worship in truth … no problem there … I need to work on the spirit part. Just as we hate to see our friends sad and in misery and letting that take over their lives, so too does our Father. It must get old for him too.
It is time to stop wallowing in self-pity, grief, anger and disappointment and start delighting in the fact that this gift I have in my life outweighs any of that other stuff. I have the best friends in the whole world and … throughout the whole world, because of the way that I worship my God. I have a hope that is sure and true. I believe without any doubts that the promises that have been written in the Bible are solid and reliable and am so comforted knowing that Jehovah is yearning to fulfill them. So the reasons for my grief, my sorrow and my pain….will be corrected. He promised. And while I will continue to carry those emotions because my heart has been damaged and is full of crackage, I can fill in the cracks with the joys I have in my service to Jehovah, the love of my family and the wonderful and beautiful spiritual family I am so very blessed to be a part of.
I am thankful….truly thankful for the privilege given to us to read the Bible and see how our God cares for us. I will not neglect this gift … and stop letting my Bible reading schedule be so spasmodic. I will address Jehovah with gratitude for a change instead of with inquiry and I will let his words bathe and sooth my soul instead of tormenting it with my own angst.
I will treasure my friendships and I will try to be a source of encouragement instead of the one that needs the comforting. I LOVE my God, my family and my friends…and I am thankful for their patience. THANK YOU. TRULY….THANK YOU.
So let it be declared and let it be true:
I am happy. I will be happy. And I want you to be happy too.